A friend posted a response to my entry about my secular
mantra. His own go to mantra is the “Litany of Fear” from Dune.
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
At first I was unmoved by it. Interesting, well written, but
it didn’t especially touch me. I don’t, didn’t, identify with the need to face
my fears. I have never seen the point of exercises designed to face fear for
fear’s sake alone. I am the grumpy cat of thrill seeking.
Bungee jump?
No.
Climb a mountain?
No.
Skydiving?
A thousand times no.
Intellectually, I can see that there are fears worth facing and
could see that people’s fears can keep them from their best selves. It just
didn’t occur to me that I had fears that were holding me back.
Then someone suggested I write fiction. Write a book, he said,
it would be great, he said. Umm, no, I said.
My excuse was that I don’t think I would be good at it; that
nonfiction suits me better. Maybe true, but that isn’t why I resisted – it
isn’t why it struck a nerve.
The idea of creating something out of thin air – and then
letting people, asking people, to read it – is terrifying. What if I published
it, and no one read it? What if people did read it – people I know? And they
thought it was ridiculous.
It made me realize that my deep rooted fear of failing; of
looking stupid, has always been with me and has almost certainly held me back
from things that would have brought me happiness. I enjoy creating things in
many forms- writing, cooking, sewing, art- but the idea of making those
creations public is terrifying.
Thinking over the things I am holding back from out of fear,
I wonder if risk taking is a generalizable skill. If I don’t begin the process
of writing, face the fear of failing, it is something I will never achieve the
goal of writing a novel. But in the meantime would a regular karaoke practice help
me flex my confidence muscles and make a foray into fiction easier to achieve? Maybe.
Something tells me best not put all my lottery tickets in one basket.
You can’t win if you don’t play. True of Powerball, and true
of life. Risk is necessary to achieve. The question of how much risk and for
what achievement is an important one. It is important to choose which fears to
make a project of. For me, if the answer to ‘what is the worst that can
happen?’ includes death, other than by embarrassment, it is off the list.
I am not sure how it will all play out, but I have set a
project for myself. A fear worth facing. I will continue this style of writing,
but I will also begin to create. Create something out of myself with the
intention of sharing it with the world.
Yikes.
Deep breath.
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death…
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