Last month my husband and I got married….again.

We met in college, while I was travelling in Europe. We did the long distance thing for a while, bounced back and forth across the Atlantic. Then, twelve years ago, we stood up in front of my parents and his close family and promised to love, honor and cherish per the legal requirements of the Irish government. That quick conversation with a bureaucrat meant we were then free to build a life together- his country or mine.

 

We didn’t exchange rings that day, because that wasn’t supposed to be the ‘real’ wedding. At that point we expected to throw the big party within a year or two. Fast forward many years later- we had been distracted by such things as having babies, going back to school, and just plain not having enough money for such indulgence. But finally, sometime last spring, in a fit of love and madness, we dove right in to that frivolous activity of wedding planning.

 

To most, the right term for what we did was a vow renewal. But for us, it really was our wedding. The first time around, our intentions were earnest and sincere, but ultimately practical. The ceremony was more far meaningful than either of us expected, but we didn’t decide what to promise; we didn’t invite all the most important people in our lives.

Now was the time, at last, to celebrate our love; to exchange personal vows in front of our chosen community. And to have a killer party.

We are godless by choice: atheists, skeptics, feminists, “evidence based” everything. The traditional structures of vows to exchange wouldn’t do. Evidence guides us everywhere else; why not evidence based vows?

The Gottman Institute, based here in Seattle has spent decades researching couples’ interactions. On the strength of observing a single conversation, founder John Gottman can predict if a couple will divorce in the next 5 years.  From the research, Gottman identifies seven things necessary to sustain a strong and lasting relationship; published in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. (John Gottman & Nan Silver, 2005)

Those principles are:

1. Enhance Your Love Maps. Gottman defines a love map as the place in your brain where you store information pertaining to your partner. This is crucial in really knowing your partner, their dreams, hopes, interests, and maintaining their interest throughout the relationship.
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. This means laying down a positive view about your spouse, respecting and appreciating their differences.
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. Acknowledging your partner's small moments in life and orienting yourself towards them will maintain that necessary connection that is vital for the relationship.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You. It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship, but it is equally important to yield to your partner and give in. If both partners allow one another this influence, then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level.
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems. It is important to compromise on issues that can be resolved, which Gottman believes can be accomplished by these five steps: soften your startup, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise, and be tolerant of each other’s faults.
6. Overcome Gridlock. Major issues that cannot be resolved because both partners’ views are so fundamentally different involves understanding of the other person and deep communication. The goal is to at least get to a position that allows the other person to empathize with the partner's view, even if a compromise cannot be reached.
7. Create Shared Meaning. Create a shared value system that continually connects the partners through rituals/traditions, shared roles and symbols. (summary from the book pulled from wikipedia)

These are the vows we wrote, referencing the principle it reflects:

I will endeavor to know you better than anyone in the world, remind you how amazing you are and always brag about you to my friends. (1&2)

I promise to always give you the benefit of the doubt, and to respect you, even when you are clearly wrong. (4, 5, 6)

I promise to be present for the small things that mean everything – family dinner, silly TV shows and trips to the zoo with the kids. And I look forward to sharing all the big things yet to come. (7)

I promise to be your first line of support when things get crazy – always always in it together. (3)

I promise to be open to change and accept your influence in my life. (4)

I promise to fight fair, and to practice giving and receiving apologies with grace. (5 & 6)

I promise to stick with it when the conversation gets hard, even if we disagree, you are still you to me. (5 & 6)

And always, I promise to be a witness to your life – in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. For as long as we both shall live. (1, 2, 3 & 7)

_________

 

Wedding achieved, I am now a hands down advocate of the decade-in wedding. The vows and the ceremony and the day reflect a richness of a life shared and a still optimistic promise of continuing romance.  

We wouldn’t have really understood these vows on that day back in Dublin when we first said ‘I do’, much less be able to write them. The days of a bride and groom meeting on their wedding morning are long gone. Today the wedding should be a reflection of an already solid relationship, looking forward to building a life together, to becoming each other’s family. Thirteen years after the proposal is maybe extreme, but life happens.

When I looked back on our vows a couple of weeks after the wedding, I realized we had not promised to love each other. I wondered briefly if we should have a do-over, or if this indicated some deep problem in our relationship (hands up who is prone to overreacting). But my husband pointed out that you can’t fulfill our vows without loving, and that the ideas behind the vows are intended to strengthen and sustain love.

 

So, yeah. I’m good.